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Choosing the Restaurant and
Reserving a Table
The right choice of restaurant can make or break a party. Firstly think about your budget and choose appropriately. Choosing an expensive restaurant on price alone is no guarantee that your party will be successful! Wherever possible, choose a tried and trusted restaurant, especially if you are known by the staff as you will likely get superior service. Also think about the style of occasion and the type of cuisine that best suits....formal or casual? Ethnic or national cuisine? Intimate or hustle and bustle? Always put the preferences of your guests before those of your own!
Always reserve a table well in advance. If you need to alter the booking or indeed cancel it, good restaurant etiquette requires that you should call ahead as early as possible so that the table may be rebooked. Try to arrange for a table in the most appropriate part of the restaurant for the occasion. Explain to the maître d' the nature of the occasion and ask for his recommendation.
Above all, do not be late for the reservation. And if you are running late, call ahead to advise on your expected time of arrival.
Dress Code
These days, the vast majority of restaurants, including the high end, fine dining ones, do not generally enforce a strict dress code. In fact thankfully these days, the whole subject of restaurant etiquette is far more relaxed than it used to be. However, if you are not familiar with the restaurant and its style, call the restaurant itself and inquire. And if you remain unsure, then dress on the conservative side to be safe. Alternatively if it's appropriate, speak to the host and ask them - they certainly won't want their guests either over or under dressing!Personally though I believe that where a host is going to a lot of trouble (and possibly expense!), it is just good manners to make a little effort over one's appearance.
Table Setting and Cutlery
In most restaurants, only a bare minimum of cutlery and glassware will be on the table as you arrive. Generally speaking, restaurant etiquette requires the staff to introduce the appropriate cutlery and glassware as the meal progresses.The basic principles of good dining etiquette apply in much the same way in a restaurant as they would do at home:
- If you are unable to attend the occasion, give the host as much notice as possible.
- Always arrive on time. If you are running late, call the host and advise of your expected time of arrival.
- If you are having aperitifs first, wait for the host to ask you what you would like rather than just going ahead and ordering. Beer is not appropriate as a pre-dinner drink.
- At the table allow the host to indicate where they would like you to sit.
- Once seated the waiting staff may well unfold your napkin for you and place it over your lap. A good example of restaurant etiquette from a rather more gentile era!
- When the menu is presented if there is anything unfamiliar on it, don't be afraid to ask your waiter to explain it. Remember they are there to assist you.
- If the host is paying, avoid choosing the most expensive dishes. Never over-indulge on the quantity that you eat or drink.
- The host will generally order the wines.
- Always engage equally in conversation with the guests seated both to your right and left.
- Once finished eating a course, place your cutlery close together on your plate. This indicates to the staff that you are finished.
- As the occasion draws to a close, wait for the host to indicate that it is time to leave. Be sure to thank them graciously for their hospitality.
The Restaurant Staff
Establishing the right relationship with staff is key to a successful occasion. In my mind you should always be friendly, but business like. Get the balance right, and you will not be disappointed. Just remember that most restaurant staff work extremely long hours and are not generally very well paid. Be a little forgiving when necessary, but don't be inclined to accept poor quality food or service. Again, a happy balance is needed.Above all, please do not treat the staff like servants! Good restaurant etiquette means treating them with respect and as individuals. And if you use a particular restaurant regularly and have a good relationship with any individual staff member, don't be afraid to ask to have them serve you when you book.
If you have had good service, always make a point of thanking the individuals concerned as well as the maÎtre d'. It's just good manners and will mean a great deal to those concerned.
Choosing the Wine and Alcohol Consumption
Ordering wine in a restaurant can be a daunting task if you don't know a great deal about the subject. Asking a waiter or sommelier for assistance often can make you even more uncomfortable, especially if you're trying to make the right impression with your guests. If you are reluctant to tell the waiter your price range, it is helpful to communicate the information nonverbally by pointing to a bottle on the wine list that is within your range and saying something along the lines of, "I'm thinking about trying this wine, can you tell me more about it?"
From the customer's perspective, you do not have to be a wine connoisseur to know when a bottle is corked - it happens more than occasionally, and the distinct smell of wet, moldy cardboard is hard to forget. If you think the wine smells or tastes off, you should be confident in telling the waiter or wine steward. After all, you're paying for it, and you should not subject yourself or your guests to drinking a corked bottle. Equally, if the temperature is not right, politely advise the staff and allow them to correct it.
But what is the correct restaurant etiquette for when you order a bottle of wine and simply don't like it? If you confidently ordered the bottle on your own, without the help and advice of a sommelier or wine steward, it is generally not appropriate restaurant etiquette to send it back - especially if it is an expensive bottle! However, if you requested assistance from the staff and don't like what they suggested, it is within your prerogative to express your displeasure with the wine and ask for it to be changed for an alternative.
One other useful tip for the wine novice is to speak privately with the sommelier before being seated at the table. That way you can listen to and take their advice as well as clarify your budget for the occasion.
One note of caution on alcohol consumption - whether you are the host or a guest, excessive consumption of wine is most unattractive. Control the amount you consume to that with which you are comfortable. Do not allow over attentive waiters or an overly generous host to encourage you do drink excessively. If a wine waiter is working on commission, he may be rather too enthusiastic to encourage copious consumption!
Complaints
We've all been there - something goes wrong, and the question is, how do we deal with it? If you are hosting the party and one of your guests is dissatisfied, then the proper restaurant etiquette would be to call over the waiter (or preferably the maître d') and discreetly point out what is wrong and ask for it to be rectified. NEVER get aggressive or loud but but instead make your request politely and firmly. Once the problem has been rectified, check again with your guest that they are now happy.If you are a guest at a party (and particularly if the host is paying) it is a little trickier. My personal belief is that it very much depends upon the relationship that you have with the host and other guests. I have been known to "suffer in silence" for fear of embarrassing the host or potentially spoiling the party. After all, it is only a meal and the purpose of the occasion is by far more important. If however, the food is not edible, or grossly under or over cooked, then it would be appropriate restaurant etiquette to discreetly point it out to the host and let them deal with it as above.
But in all cases, please treat the staff with respect especially as the fault may not be of their own making. And once the problem has been rectified, make a point of thanking them later for their diligence.
Tipping
Of all of the numerous aspects of restaurant etiquette, tipping is possibly the most contentious! Depending on where you are in the world, the expectations will never be the same, nor the plight and reward of the restaurant staff! As such, my general advice is to give only that amount that you feel the staff genuinely deserve - regardless of what is "expected". That may be anything from nothing (where everything was quite appalling) to perhaps 20 or even 25% for the most sublime meal and service.Being a British national, I know that the above statement might offend some of our American cousins....I'm sorry, but so be it! Regardless of local custom, I would never tip if the food and service were well below expectations. Indeed I remember on one occasion literally being chased down the road by a screaming waitress when I left a New York Diner without tipping....and that was because she didn't deserve a tip!
Having said all of the above, and having worked in the restaurant business for much of my life, I know only too well how much catering staff depend on their tips to top up their often low income. But they should never EXPECT it - they must earn it, and where they do, the host should always reward it!
Apart from tips on Restaurant Etiquette, this site also features information on many other aspects of etiquette:
Bringing Dinner Party Etiquette into the 21st Century
Your Favorite Dining Etiquette Stories
